Things that Make Me Angry, Volume I: Purses

We’re supposed to think that they’re helpful, but have you ever noticed that the bigger the purse, the more crap you tend to carry? It’s as if they’re innate black holes that pull all manner of things easily into a vortex of junk. Typically, this is how it’ll happen:

But then it doesn’t take too long before you find more unnecessary things filling up the space, either to carry them for yourself or for someone else (usually a man). It’ll start with the essentials: keys, wallet, cell phone.

But then you start thinking of difference scenarios, and you want to be prepared in any situation:

It might be sunny: sunglasses!

Going to work? Better bring that key card that lets you into the building.

Have a smart phone? All those apps probably run down your battery, sooo you’d better bring you charger, because losing your connection to the cyberworld would be all-out DEVASTATING.

You also might want to listen to music at some point. Earbuds!

Afraid you might get hungry? Nutrition bar!

What if your lips start getting chapped? Chapstick!

What if you can’t find your first chapstick? Chapstick #2!

What if you randomly decide to go shopping? Bring the gift cards that you’ve been saving for forever in your “second wallet” (which of course is bigger than your main go-to wallet).

Seriously. A second wallet.

I literally have all of these things in my purse right now—as well as littered receipts, a digital camera I don’t even use now that I have a smart phone, a book about law school (I try to read when I have spare minutes in my week), a blank book in which I write my blog thoughts when I’m away from my laptop, hand sanitizer (for obvious reasons), about FIVE sticky notepads (seriously?? Why do I need so many?? That’s ridiculous!!), and an empty bag that used to hold Starbucks coffee grinds—because I’m so cheap that I’ll let my purse smell like coffee (which actually isn’t so bad) for months (well, ok, that’s bad) just so I an be ready to use it for a free tall drink when I make the opportunity to do so.

I even had all of this (and more, if you can believe it) in my purse when I flew to California for vacation. I even went to Starbucks—and the only reason why it didn’t get used was this: I was so frustrated with my gigantor purse that I even brought a SECOND purse to take what I absolutely needed from my big purse to use in a smaller, more manageable one.

I think that officially makes a bag lady. Gross.

I’m going to stop just short of suggesting that purses are really part of a larger conspiracy and that they are, in fact, covert torture tools designed by men to slow women down (ladies, don’t tell me you’ve never had a man suggest you hold a sandwich for him in your bag! Or is that just my experience?). I mean, really. It’s “socially unacceptable” for men to have purses, and therefore out of sheer “practicality” they carry less than we do...??

And God forbid you should actually try to find something in the cramped-yet-somehow-seemingly-ever-expanding-abyss that is your purse. It’s bad when you get to the checkout of a grocery store and have to take out all manner of random objects just to find your wallet, which is, after all, bright bleeping pink.

I think my grandmother was onto something when she declined carrying one around in her later years, calling it a “balastas,” or ballast in Lithuanian (you know, those bags of sand that keep hot air balloons on the ground? Similar concept here). And every time I start noticing myself becoming a packed mule, walking around like Quasimodo, I start wondering how I got here. And so I try to de-junk my purse and opt for a small one—again.

Can you see the vicious cycle here?

I really should give up purses for Lent one year. Or maybe just try to be less prepared for random events that could hypothetically happen… or not happen. Also probably say “no” when cashiers ask me if I want a receipt. Also probably just use that free Starbucks tall coffee already. Maybe even give in to the fact that unless I plan a time to go shopping, it’s prooobably not going to happen.

Warning: Emo Post Ahead

I'm sorry I haven't posted anything in about two weeks now. I took a week-long vacation in Calfornia to visit with family and look at law schools, and had an amazing time. I even managed to take some time to make a bunch of drawings for what was going to be a pretty funny story (at least I thought, anyway). Unfortunately, sometimes Life likes to throw a huge, ugly wrench in your plans, and you find yourself caught up in the more dramatic and saddening aspects of life.. So I never quite got around to finishing that post.

I won't go into details, but I basically have had the worst week of my life. I know that sounds dramatic. And I feel somewhat guilty saying that, considering how much heartache is going in on in other parts of the world right now, like Libya and Japan. But it seems like as soon as the Ball of Disaster and Drama got rolling, each day I lost something new. And it sucks. And I've had a hard time sleeping as a result. And I definitely don't feel like being funny. I'm sorry. Hopefully I'll get back to it soon.

Seeing that this is a drawing blog, I tried to express myself in pictures. So here's a metaphor for how my week was:

Whenever I'm going through a difficult time, I try to look around me for meaning, as well as something to learn. As always, going to Sunday Mass helps. The perfection of how the homily fits in my life pretty consistently reaffirms my faith. I know not all of you are Catholic, and I'm not trying to evangelize. I'm just saying what works for me.

I'm also probably going to be listening to Jack's Mannequin and John Mayer on repeat, as I have this past week. Especially John Mayer's Heart of Life:

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

[Chorus]
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good.

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing.
But then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining.

[Chorus]

I know it's good.

That and I plan to get a daily dose of Jonathan Adler. He's so fabulous, and makes me so happy. And his interior designs are amazing. And then he goes and writes things like this about Love and Hate on his blog: http://www.jonathanadler.com/blog/?p=296 

True, so true, Mr. Adler. He also makes me want to redecorate my entire living space with bright yellow--something I never would have considered six months ago, before Sister introduced me to his fabulosity. If I had an expendable income (not to mention a place of my own), I would totally be doing that in a heartbeat.

Ok, enough emo-ness. I'm going to give myself a few more days to wallow, and after that I'm going to try to reintroduce some Happy back into my life. Hopefully Funny will follow.

Like a Champ

Ok, I really don't have much to show for myself this week. Given the fact that I usually only update this blog once a week, I feel like a total failure because I got all the way to today, and had absolutely nothing to post. And that's not to say that I didn't have something planned out, because I definitely did. I just was so swamped this week that I didn't have the time/motivation to actually write something out semi-worth reading. Normally, I'm really busy as it is (hence, why I'm only writing once a week on a normal basis; otherwise, I would tooootally be writing/drawing more). But this week, my coworker was out of the country for the whole five days, and as a result, I had to cover her position as well as mine.

Normally, I'm just a filing clerk. But this week I had to do soooo much more because I had to cover all of the incoming and outgoing mail for our department, AND file all of the paperwork as well. As it is, I'm usually pretty busy with filing, file updating, and assignments I'm given from people higher up on the work food chain. But this last week felt like I was parasailing in a tornado--rather, like I was WINNING parasailing in a tornado (I was determined to come out on top). Actually, this is really what my daily highlights would look like:



Rinse, and repeat. Five times. It was insane.

By the end of the week, I was able to accomplish all of my work goals, and *hopefully* didn't make any egregious errors with the mail (we'll find out within the next couple weeks, I suppose). I'm not going to lie, I was pretty proud of myself, but I was also exhausted. And so this is about all I could do for this week's installment, because by Friday, when it occurred to me that I had nothing finished for P.C., this is how I felt:

I hope y'all still love me!..?

Beating the Sun

This week, I’ve become one of those morning runners. You know, those people you see getting back from what you imagine was a long run, as you look out your front window in some mix of envy, admiration, and judgment for their apparent insanity, seeing as you’re just starting to roast your coffee pot? Yeah, I decided to become one of those crazies—at least for now, until newborn Niece decides to change her sleeping schedule, which currently keeps Sister and Brother-in-Law up at all hours of the early morning. Otherwise, my pre-dawn footsteps would be easily heard by sleeping ears through the paper this house calls walls. But until then, I’m a morning runner.

The hardest part about running at an ungodly hour (other than actually rolling out of bed) is the very beginning of the run, when I first walk out the door. Not only is it eyeball-piercingly cold, but it’s also dark as my morning coffee for the first ten or fifteen minutes. And despite my better judgment, this lack of light invariably calls to mind three things that could possibly attack me:

1. Werewolves
2. Vampires
3. R-people (aka rapists)

Obviously, those three are all terrifying prospects (especially R-people), and it always scares the hell out of me for a minute. But that’s when I use my magic weapon. No, not pepper spray. Although I should definitely start bringing that. I mean Pandora! On my phone! Through my earbuds!

Then again, I recognize that in listening to music I’m making myself less aware of what’s going on around me, and therefore am probably more vulnerable to a real attack of some sort, but that’s not what matters.

“So then what really does matter?”

Glad you asked, hypothetical reader! The answer is obviously vampires. And werewolves. And The Thing. Do you remember that live-action show from like the 1990s? It was awesome! At least, it was to my vaguely remembered very-very-very young child-brain, anyway. I don’t remember much, other than thinking that a gigantor swamp monster was way cool, especially when you got to play with Older Brothers’ Thing toy out in the muddy backyard while they were at school (they may or may not have known).

I also might be making that last part up. Wasn’t there a show about a swamp monster called The Thing? I’m too lazy to look it up online right now. I’d rather draw.

But anyway, in the early morning, The Thing (which may or may not really be completely in my mind) is still a very scary prospect. Would you really want to run into him when you’re still waking up? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Oh and Pandora also works to scare away the R-people. Because contrary to popular opinion, Ke$ha is actually the Patronus Charm form that works specifically on R-people/dementors. Because R-people obviously derive from dementors. Little known fact. *The more you know!*

The most awesome part about running suuuuuuper early in the morning is that there are barely any people out, which means you can get away with all manner of embarrassing behavior. Most notable is visibly jamming to your Pandora playlist while scaring away all the morning monsters that immediately vanish when the sun comes up. During the day, if you’re really feeling the music, at most you can generally put an extra bounce in your step; beyond that would be less socially acceptable. But in the morning, you can all-out dance/air guitar while waiting for the crosswalk to let you go (if there’s even any traffic keeping you from crossing on your own).

I have to say, air-guitaring definitely helps you wake up; and knowing that you’re not as likely to be seen only aids that wake-up process. And I mean, really, what kind of people are up at this hour, anyway? They’re probably just as crazy as I am!

Another Non-Funny, Informative Post.. (What, I'm Forewarning You! Sheesh..)

I was informed today that my font was difficult to read because of the color.. Bummer! I really liked the lime greenness! Buuut if it's getting in the way of people reading this blog, it's obviously defeating its purpose in general. Sooo, Big Brother, what do you think of the font now?? Still green, but a little darker. Better? Testing, one two three?

That said, this brings up a good point in general. If anyone is having trouble reading/viewing my posts at any point, please don't hesitate to let me know. Any and all feedback is always welcome, even if it's coming from the haters of the world. Seriously, bring it! (And Brother, I don't mean you! I know you're not a hater. You're practically a hippie, God love you!)

And THIS concludes my THIRD post of the week!! Whaaaaaat??? That's impossible!! And two in one day??? I'm awesome!! "But your last two didn't involve any drawings, retard, and they weren't even funny. So they don't even count!" Shut up, haters. No one likes you. Just keep reading. Or don't. Either way, put down the haterade. You're spilling it like a sloppy orange woman living on the Jersey Shore. But to everyone else, yay third post of the week, evenifitwasn'treallythatfunny!!

Ch-ch-check It Out!

Someone awesome recently suggested to me that I should update my blog straight from my smart phone when funny things happen. I finally got around to downloading the app for it, so maybe I'll actually start doing just that! (In fact, that's exactly what I'm doing! Except this might not be a very funny post; it's more informative.) Of course, with my luck, now Funny will probably decide not to hang around me just to spite me. She's such a biznatch like that sometimes.

The good thing about this is that I can hopefully post more than once a week.. but the bad thing is that I can't draw on my phone. Maybe I'll go back and insert drawings later.. Or maybe I'll just leave the drawing posts for the weekend. Don't worry, hypothetical readers, either way, I'll figure something out!

I love you all for reading!

Actually, maybe not love. Just really, really like.. like the awkward feeling at the beginning of a relationship.

Ahhhh what the hell! Olive juice all!

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Lent

In recent years, sweets have generally been no big deal for me. Maybe it was because I worked in a frozen yogurt shop while in college and therefore had plenty of guilt-free, low-calorie sweets readily available which made me: a) kind of sick of frozen yogurt, and b) too cheap to pay for nay other sweets when I had access to free fro-yo. Also, I took a human nutrition class my freshman year of college, and since then was determined to live out the A I got in that class.

Ever since I moved in with Sister’s family, however, I’ve had unbelievable access to all kinds of candies, chocolates, brownies, cakes, and cupcakes, and as a result have developed a horrible/amazing sweet tooth. It’s terrible! And work doesn’t help. There’s always a birthday, a Wednesday, or some other excuse to bring in sweets, and by now I’m like a sweets crackhead. I can’t help myself!

Last week, someone at work announced that there were leftover homemade red velvet cupcakes in the Break Room that someone had brought in for a birthday. There was one cupcake per candle, each one with a letter to spell out “H-A-P-PY B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y.” Now, I’ve never been one to like red velvet cake. Then again, I never liked cake before I had one from Publix (a grocery chain mostly in the South, for all y’all that don’t live in the South), which must be made of some mix of magic and crack. But anyway, I’ve even made red velvet cake before, and I really didn’t like it. But now that there are red velvet cupcakes in the Break Room, of course I have to try one! Because not only do I love food, but I view it as a challenge as well. It’s like I’m determined to like all food that comes my way. I guess I’m just THAT much of a foodie. Sometime I’ll probably write about the time I even ate a live clam in Namibia. (No joke, this literally happened.) But for now, I’ll stick with the subject of sweets.

So of course, despite the fact that I already knew I didn’t like red velvet, I decide to give it another shot. (“Well, it wasn’t good last time, but maybe it’s good this time! I have nothing to lose!”)

Big mistake. Just like cake in general, of course now I decide that I love red velvet when it has cream cheese frosting, and I immediately start scheming my way to sneaking a second one out of the Break Room later. Thankfully, the aftertaste of guilt and shame (“You haven’t been working out like you should, and bathing suit weather is just around the corner!”) kicked in almost immediately, and I was able to tear myself away from the thought.

I have to say, those were some very heavy footsteps leaving that Break Room.

It was a very good thing, however, because when I came back hours later to refill my water bottle, and definitely NOT to check up on the cupcakes (seriously, who am I kidding? Definitely to check up on the cupcakes), I was greeted with this:



It’s like they’re threatening me! Or daring me. Either way, I think I should take this as a sign that I need Divine Intervention, not to mention good old Catholic guilt, for my sweets addiction. So I decided right then and there to give up all sugary confections for Lent. Immediately after I made this decision, however, my sweets-craving body reacted in defiance to my decision to try to be healthy again. So what did I do?

Made more cupcakes. The excuse?

Fat Tuesday is the day before Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent), so live it up until Wednesday!! My wonderful/evil mother gave me a cupcake decorating book for my birthday recently, so of course I wanted to show I was using it, and therefore now had a deadline to do so (because let’s face it, if I take too long, it won’t happen. That’s just how I operate). So I made these over the weekend, last weekend:

See that?? They even have ladybugs!! Fortunately, I unloaded more than half of the cupcakes at work on Monday morning. But THEN on the same day, some of my coworkers noted my skill, pulled me aside, and pointed out the fact that my boss’ birthday was coming up the following weekend, and that we were celebrating this Friday. One of them recognized my sunflowers immediately, pulled out the very same decorating book I used, and opened it to a page where two dozen cupcakes make up one large alligator. We work in the litigation department, and are therefore unofficially nicknamed “the Gators.” That makes my boss the head Gator. Sweet Jesus, they wanted me to make this for Friday.

Being the “yes” woman that I am (they were just so damn excited about it), I of course acquiesced, and on Thursday night (after working overtime! Yay!) I made THIS:

Everyone loved them! Although now I also have requests from other coworkers for their birthdays. I inadvertently created a monster when I tried making better life choices.

At the same time, this also means I just decorated four dozen cupcakes in the past week and have therefore consumed an exorbitant amount of cake, frosting, Oreos, frosting, M&Ms, frosting, mini Oreos, frosting, and Life Savers. Did I mention I ate a lot of frosting? I’m probably diabetic right about now.

The good thing, however, is that Lent starts this coming Wednesday. I might update on my sugar withdrawals at some point, but I can say right now that I’m SO ready to be confection-free for the next forty-something days. Yay for giving up things we love that are bad for us!

 

Update: Shout out for the cupcake book I used for the Sunflower and Gator cupcakes!

 

Tack, Karen and Richardson, Alan. Hello, Cupcake!: Irresistibly Playful Creations Anyone Can Make. Houghton Mifflin Co; 1 edition (April 24, 2008).