Things that Make Me Angry, Volume I: Purses

We’re supposed to think that they’re helpful, but have you ever noticed that the bigger the purse, the more crap you tend to carry? It’s as if they’re innate black holes that pull all manner of things easily into a vortex of junk. Typically, this is how it’ll happen:

But then it doesn’t take too long before you find more unnecessary things filling up the space, either to carry them for yourself or for someone else (usually a man). It’ll start with the essentials: keys, wallet, cell phone.

But then you start thinking of difference scenarios, and you want to be prepared in any situation:

It might be sunny: sunglasses!

Going to work? Better bring that key card that lets you into the building.

Have a smart phone? All those apps probably run down your battery, sooo you’d better bring you charger, because losing your connection to the cyberworld would be all-out DEVASTATING.

You also might want to listen to music at some point. Earbuds!

Afraid you might get hungry? Nutrition bar!

What if your lips start getting chapped? Chapstick!

What if you can’t find your first chapstick? Chapstick #2!

What if you randomly decide to go shopping? Bring the gift cards that you’ve been saving for forever in your “second wallet” (which of course is bigger than your main go-to wallet).

Seriously. A second wallet.

I literally have all of these things in my purse right now—as well as littered receipts, a digital camera I don’t even use now that I have a smart phone, a book about law school (I try to read when I have spare minutes in my week), a blank book in which I write my blog thoughts when I’m away from my laptop, hand sanitizer (for obvious reasons), about FIVE sticky notepads (seriously?? Why do I need so many?? That’s ridiculous!!), and an empty bag that used to hold Starbucks coffee grinds—because I’m so cheap that I’ll let my purse smell like coffee (which actually isn’t so bad) for months (well, ok, that’s bad) just so I an be ready to use it for a free tall drink when I make the opportunity to do so.

I even had all of this (and more, if you can believe it) in my purse when I flew to California for vacation. I even went to Starbucks—and the only reason why it didn’t get used was this: I was so frustrated with my gigantor purse that I even brought a SECOND purse to take what I absolutely needed from my big purse to use in a smaller, more manageable one.

I think that officially makes a bag lady. Gross.

I’m going to stop just short of suggesting that purses are really part of a larger conspiracy and that they are, in fact, covert torture tools designed by men to slow women down (ladies, don’t tell me you’ve never had a man suggest you hold a sandwich for him in your bag! Or is that just my experience?). I mean, really. It’s “socially unacceptable” for men to have purses, and therefore out of sheer “practicality” they carry less than we do...??

And God forbid you should actually try to find something in the cramped-yet-somehow-seemingly-ever-expanding-abyss that is your purse. It’s bad when you get to the checkout of a grocery store and have to take out all manner of random objects just to find your wallet, which is, after all, bright bleeping pink.

I think my grandmother was onto something when she declined carrying one around in her later years, calling it a “balastas,” or ballast in Lithuanian (you know, those bags of sand that keep hot air balloons on the ground? Similar concept here). And every time I start noticing myself becoming a packed mule, walking around like Quasimodo, I start wondering how I got here. And so I try to de-junk my purse and opt for a small one—again.

Can you see the vicious cycle here?

I really should give up purses for Lent one year. Or maybe just try to be less prepared for random events that could hypothetically happen… or not happen. Also probably say “no” when cashiers ask me if I want a receipt. Also probably just use that free Starbucks tall coffee already. Maybe even give in to the fact that unless I plan a time to go shopping, it’s prooobably not going to happen.