Resume Writing Sucks.

Can I get an Amen?? I would SO much rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon than deal with resumes and cover letters right now. Fortunately/unfortunately, I just recently finished my first round of law school finals. I say fortunately because, duh, of course it’s great that finals are over—only a legitimately crazy person enjoys sitting through 3-4 hours of grueling exams (per class) after sitting for at least a month in dark caves of reading and outlining, surrounded by piles of books/papers, living by the light of harsh fluorescent lighting, eating God-knows-what from occasional vending machines, delivered fast food, and canned whatever, and worrying that all the studying in the world isn’t going to prepare you enough for the tsunami that is the exam. I may be speaking slightly in hyperbole, but everyone tells me that the first semester is always the worst, and that Spring semester you’re at least no longer walking through a thick cloud of uncertainty. You have a better idea of what to expect from your classes, professors, and classmates (let me tell you, the crazy can come out—and I’m sooo not an exception. Unfortunately. I mean, wait. Of course I am! I’m Superwoman.. Obvi.). Hopefully you do, anyway.

Anyway, the problem with finals ending (besides realizing that you’ve become entirely socially retarded—because, you know, books don’t have verbal conversations with you.. or at least, they shouldn’t) is that it’s almost as if we’ve all been pulled back into very tightly wound elastic knots, and the second we get out of our last final, it’s like one piece snaps, and the whole knot just explodes, causing our brains to fly into every direction. Or maybe that’s just me. Is it possible to develop ADD in your adulthood? Anyway, there’s instantly a pull of competing interests that comes with the sudden post-finals freedom. Do I want to eat a decent meal (i.e. something that couldn’t survive a nuclear attack)? Do I want to sleep for three days? Do I want to go out and drink away the memory of the past couple months? Make a Christmas wreath? Buy/wrap/send Christmas gifts for family members I’m not going to see when I go home? Go see a movie? Shower? Of course, the answer is yes to all of those things, but unless you have Hermione’s Time Turner, it’s impossible to satisfy all of those needs at once.

And then there’s the other part. The part you need to do. Like clean your awfully disgusting apartment. And do laundry. And finally finish your resume and cover letter. Because, technically, you should have had that done before December 1^st so you could start sending it out to employers as soon as NALP lifted that iron curtain between 1Ls and potential employers. Barf. Seriously, I just finished working!!! It sucks knowing that I’m “finished working” but not really finished working. I know, finishing a resume and a cover letter is not really that difficult, and bitching about it only makes it take longer, but I hate hate HATE working on my resume. I’m not entirely sure why.

It could possibly be because I’m a serial sandbagger. I’ve tried shirking that characteristic, but I don’t think it’s something I’m going to be very successful at. I recognize that sounds just like something a sandbagger would say, but ironically, when talking about getting rid of being a sandbagger, that could be one of the few times that I actually mean what I say. Well, I mean, I definitely mean it when I say, “I’m not sure I’m going to be able to run very quickly today,” and then surprise myself when I actually end up running a route in a decent time. I think I just like setting the bar low for myself.

And I think that’s why I hate writing a resume.

I can never quite figure out the line between my actual accomplishments and total puffery. I would hate for some employer to hire me and then come back and say, “wow, we really thought you were going to do much better..” But then, I also don’t want to look entirely unimpressive either. I wish I could just throw in some random characteristics and skills, accompanied by some witty comments, and then call it a day. Is carving a dance floor bubble in a bar (that definitely doesn’t have a designated dance floor) considered a skill? I highly doubt that any serious employer is going to take me seriously if I do that. Wop wop.

So instead of finishing my actual cover letter right now, I’ll just list some of my more impressive skills here and hope that something inspiring jumps out at me:

Solitary bar/car dancing

(specialties: polka, robot, happy feet, occasional Thriller/krumping)

Supreme accent mimicking

(specialties: Lithuanian, Italian, British, Cockney, French)

Reciting Ke$ha lyrics verbatim

List making

Checklist-cross-offing

Airport security rule-follower

Mail checking

Male checking

French braiding (that’s a new one!)

Nail painting

Drawing like a five-year-old

Coloring in Justice O.W. Holmes’ magical mustache*

Rainbowifying, aka making color-coordinated tabs for law school casebooks

Words with Friends player (currently 11-4 record, only going up)

Wouldn’t you want to hire me for a summer legal internship??

*In case you don’t know what the HM (Holmes Mustache) looks like..