How to Get Through Your Work Week (Office Edition)

The working world isn’t nearly as fun as I had expected. When I was in college, I imagined shiny places where work is fun, you get paid a lot, and you get to go home before the sun sets. Granted, it’s winter, so the sun-setting part is likely to change soonish, but for the most part, none of those magical things are true.

In fact, as a filing clerk organizing papers, I liken my job to untangling really tight, messy rope knots all day—complete with rope splinters. Some of them are pretty easy to straighten out. But then others are like mazes of splintery, prickly rope determined to stay exactly as they are, taunting my attempts at organization and jamming their splintery shank-like splinters into my hands.

So how do I get through my work week? Besides maintaining a standard, high caffeine-to-blood ratio, I try to make things a little more interesting. So here are my suggestions to you, oh hypothetical reader who is clearly eagerly reading my blog for exactly this purpose, on making things more amusing at the office.

Step 1: Imagine everyone as muppets.

Angry phone calls with difficult people couldn’t be any funnier! That biznatch down the hall who’s giving you drama for no apparent reason? She and her posse that terrorize the water cooler aren’t so threatening now, are they?  

Step 2: Pretend to be a spy.

Rather than give straight answers to people, be elusive! Also, avoid detection by your coworkers by sneaking up on them as quietly as possible when entering their cubicles. Then, leave cryptic messages on sticky notes for them, indicating dead drops and classified information en route to “Brown Squirrel.” This is even better if you dress the part. NO ONE WILL KNOW what you are doing if you’re walking around the office in a trench coat with a popped collar and dark sunglasses shielding your shifty eyes.

Step 3: Celebrate EVERYTHING.

Every time someone walks up to the printer to collect their documents, shout “Huzzah!” to celebrate their latest accomplishment. Keep loose confetti in your pocket to throw in the air. If you’re too cheap to buy real confetti (aka me), improvise with hole punch remains! Or hole punchers. Either way, you’re sure to change the mood around the office.

Step 4: Musical!

Bust out into song and catalyze a totally random yet perfectly choreographed dance routine involving the entire office. This is very difficult to do (although perfect if you work with Oopma Loompas), but if you can pull it off, is sure to break the monotony. I recommend “Love is a Battlefield.” Have you seen the music video? Lots of angry shimmying. Per. Fect.  

Step 5: Dance-Off

When you have to go somewhere, don’t just walk. DANCE-OFF down the hall. You don’t even need a real partner—just visualize your opponent. However, if possible, get others to dance-off with you. There’s no need for music—or talking, for that matter. In fact, keep a totally straight, concentrated look on your face as you krump down the hallway past your hypothetical and/or real opponent in perfect silence.

*Note: This is for those of you too lazy to attempt Step 4. Or for those who work mostly with robots. Because everyone knows they can’t dance. Except for when they do The Robot. But other than that, their obvious unfeeling and over-rational nature doesn’t allow for emotional expression. Except for Henry from my first post. He obviously can feel. And unfeel, depending on how much he’s had from that green bottle.

Step 6: Assume a movie character persona.

This is especially perfect for jobs that require you to answer the phone. Imagine being at home, and you’re thinking you’re calling someone you don’t want to call but really have to, like the Poison Control Center. You start off dreading the call, but then it turns out you’re talking to Mickey Mouse! Suddenly, the dishwasher fluid you just ingested doesn’t make your insides burn so much. See? Instant day turn-around. Be that worker—even if you’re not getting paid enough for the effort. But whatever you do, just remember to STAY IN CHARACTER for the whole day. This is crucial for your concentration that would otherwise go toward the work you’re actually being paid to do. I recommend: Yoda, Don Vito Corleone, and Tia Dalma. Don’t know who Tia Dalma is? IMDB her.

Or, if none of these work out, you can always trick yourself into thinking that your job is the most exciting/enjoyable thing you’ve ever done. This probably requires at least a small degree of insanity.