Baby Watch 2011

Sister’s supposed to be having a baby very soon. My soon-to-be niece isn’t due until mid-February, but with the way things are shaping up, little bean is probably going to be arriving early. Sister had one of her first signs of this the other day, and as a result, our house saw a sudden flurry of activity as we scrambled to make sure all of the i’s were dotted, and the t’s were crossed. Also that we had enough diapers to build a small fortress.

I also alerted my coworkers, reminding my boss that I was going to need a few days off immediately after the birth so I could make sure everything still ran smoothly at home, specifically in Nephews’ lives. So now I have a problem. I’m all hyped up for Baby Watch 2011, after what became one of those “hurry up and wait” scenarios that are soooo much fun. It’s like waiting for law school decisions on my applications (hey, wait a minute, I’m doing that too!).

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m fully aware that my life is about to get a kazillion times crazier when Niece is born, but I’m kind of feeling like a cougar on crack, ready to pounce into action at any moment. I want to go to the gym, but I just know that the moment I set foot in a cardio class (and hence have a rare hour of total disconnection from my phone) will be the minute I get a text informing me that I need to swoop in and take care of Nephews while Sister and Brother-in-Law go to the hospital. But how can I possibly sit on my hands??

So instead, I’m entertaining the ways to make it happen on my own so we can get this show on the road already.

            1. Spicy Food

Duh. Everyone’s heard of that one. I had to start you off with a familiar one so you didn’t just write this off as insanity, like the way you probably should. But what if instead of spicy food, you made her eat FIRE?? I’m pretty sure that would work about a million times faster. Therefore, skip the chili peppers and feed her straight-up torch.

            2. Blast Really Bad Music

Preferably something like Sean Kingston. I’m sorry if you like Sean Kingston (actually not really), but I’m pretty sure babies don’t like things that sound like screeching hawks trying to rhyme (that’s really what Sean Kingston sounds like, in case you didn’t notice).

By putting Baby under this kind of stress, you’ll trigger an innate fight-or-flight response which will trigger sudden movement that can’t be contained in a very tight space like that. Therefore, Baby will be trying to claw his/her way out in no time.

3. Blast Really Good Music

This is perfect if you do it right after the really bad music. Pick something that screams pure awesomeness, like The Final Countdown. Not only are you then literally serenading baby (and with an irresistibly strong beat!), reminding him/her that he/she doesn’t have much time left, you’re almost definitely pumping him/her up for it. Also, Baby will want to move towards the good music, especially after enduring the bad, and, still responding to the stress from the bad music, will probably do it quickly.

Really, this was pretty much just an excuse to draw Europe in concert.

4. Scare Tactic

This can be done in many ways. Start by hiding around corners, and when she is sure to be walking by, jump in front of her and shout really loudly. This works especially well if the lights in the house are off. Especially if you’re wearing a mask. Especially if you’re holding something like a club.

Although I can see how this plan can backfire.. By scaring her, you’ll send a sudden spike in adrenaline, which will pass quickly through her whole body, eventually getting to Baby. This means that there are actually TWO people in fight-or-flight mode, which explains why this can trigger labor, but also explains why preggos develop hulk-like strength in stressful situations. Just a note, you might want to be careful with this one. I’m just saying.

5. Pantomime

This is SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN to work! (No it’s not.) Because every baby has Spidey-Senses that immediately disappear once they’re born, they can tell you’re making movements near them as if you’re stuck in a glass box, and your silent imaginary panic/claustrophobia will inevitably affect Baby, who will then sympathetically panic from being in such an enclosed area, and try to fight to get out asap. If you think about it, it’s a lot like #4, except way less stressful for Preggo, which is good. However, Preggo might even judge you a little for making her watch you pretend to be silently encased.

6. Obstacle Course

This is when you pull out all the stops. Imagine this: in order to get to the hospital, she has to jump through FIVE RINGS of fire to the crocodile that’s chained up in the backyard, steal a scale from its neck (how?? I don’t know, that’s up to Preggo to figure out in a matter of seconds), run around the side of the house while dodging arrows shooting in every direction, jump over the neighbor’s fence, past their dogs that NEVER STOP BARKING, where, out of nowhere, the Smoke Monster comes charging out (how did it get off The Island?? I don’t know!!), then low-crawl through the rose-bushes, come back and try to high-five Yao Ming. Who’s raising his hands. Think about it. Oh yeah, and The Final Countdown is blasting from inside the house. Ideally, this should all trigger a volcano of stress/adrenaline, which would make things happen in basically about two minutes. Trust me. It’s science. (No it’s not.)

By the end of the course, Baby would be so confused and pumped up on adrenaline and awesomeness that he/she would have no choice but to be born already. It’s also the scientifically proven (no it’s not) way to make sure Baby is born a natural BADASS. I’m like 99% sure this is the way George Washington’s mom went into labor.

*Note: Obviously, I love Sister very, very much and would never DREAM of putting her through any of this. Just clarifying.. Even though you probably think I’m criminally insane right about now.