Beating the Sun

This week, I’ve become one of those morning runners. You know, those people you see getting back from what you imagine was a long run, as you look out your front window in some mix of envy, admiration, and judgment for their apparent insanity, seeing as you’re just starting to roast your coffee pot? Yeah, I decided to become one of those crazies—at least for now, until newborn Niece decides to change her sleeping schedule, which currently keeps Sister and Brother-in-Law up at all hours of the early morning. Otherwise, my pre-dawn footsteps would be easily heard by sleeping ears through the paper this house calls walls. But until then, I’m a morning runner.

The hardest part about running at an ungodly hour (other than actually rolling out of bed) is the very beginning of the run, when I first walk out the door. Not only is it eyeball-piercingly cold, but it’s also dark as my morning coffee for the first ten or fifteen minutes. And despite my better judgment, this lack of light invariably calls to mind three things that could possibly attack me:

1. Werewolves
2. Vampires
3. R-people (aka rapists)

Obviously, those three are all terrifying prospects (especially R-people), and it always scares the hell out of me for a minute. But that’s when I use my magic weapon. No, not pepper spray. Although I should definitely start bringing that. I mean Pandora! On my phone! Through my earbuds!

Then again, I recognize that in listening to music I’m making myself less aware of what’s going on around me, and therefore am probably more vulnerable to a real attack of some sort, but that’s not what matters.

“So then what really does matter?”

Glad you asked, hypothetical reader! The answer is obviously vampires. And werewolves. And The Thing. Do you remember that live-action show from like the 1990s? It was awesome! At least, it was to my vaguely remembered very-very-very young child-brain, anyway. I don’t remember much, other than thinking that a gigantor swamp monster was way cool, especially when you got to play with Older Brothers’ Thing toy out in the muddy backyard while they were at school (they may or may not have known).

I also might be making that last part up. Wasn’t there a show about a swamp monster called The Thing? I’m too lazy to look it up online right now. I’d rather draw.

But anyway, in the early morning, The Thing (which may or may not really be completely in my mind) is still a very scary prospect. Would you really want to run into him when you’re still waking up? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Oh and Pandora also works to scare away the R-people. Because contrary to popular opinion, Ke$ha is actually the Patronus Charm form that works specifically on R-people/dementors. Because R-people obviously derive from dementors. Little known fact. *The more you know!*

The most awesome part about running suuuuuuper early in the morning is that there are barely any people out, which means you can get away with all manner of embarrassing behavior. Most notable is visibly jamming to your Pandora playlist while scaring away all the morning monsters that immediately vanish when the sun comes up. During the day, if you’re really feeling the music, at most you can generally put an extra bounce in your step; beyond that would be less socially acceptable. But in the morning, you can all-out dance/air guitar while waiting for the crosswalk to let you go (if there’s even any traffic keeping you from crossing on your own).

I have to say, air-guitaring definitely helps you wake up; and knowing that you’re not as likely to be seen only aids that wake-up process. And I mean, really, what kind of people are up at this hour, anyway? They’re probably just as crazy as I am!